Welcome to DortheasWorld.

I realize i havent been writing that much, the last couple of days. It has nothing to do with me, not wanting to write. Its just, i havent really felt like i had the right things to write, or the right words to put down.

I realize, that im starting to finally being happy again, but as soon as that thought pops up into my head, i get sad. I cant see, how its possible, that i can walk around smiling, laughing and being happy, when someone is out there, being sad. For example, i feel quilty for smiling, and laughing, when i know my dad is in heaven. I dont know if he is looking down at me, smiling to me, and being happy about our lives, that has to move on without him. The truth is, i dont wanna feel quilty, i dont wanna be sad, i dont wanna keep crying, but i do. And it happens all the time, i cant control my feelings, or my thoughts for that matter. I just wish there was a possibilty to bring back, the people you lost to death. But there isnt, and i might not never understand, why there isnt, when someone can be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. 

To be honest, i lately feel like im losing it. Im loosing my minds, and my thoughts inside of my head, im not saying im going crazy at all. I just, think different than other people. I wanna do something big, something remarkable, something that people will remember me for. Thats a goal i wanna set, before its my time to lose my soul to death. Something big, i can look back on when i get old, when i start a family, on my own with my fiance. It has to be, something that is remeberable, something that people like also. Something i will remember and take with me in the grave. I do wonder, if i wanna be put in a grave, or if i wanna be burned. My dad got burned, and spread over the ocean. Could be the perfect, last thing, to be spread where he was. I know its something that i shouldnt worry about, at this time. So im gonna hide it away, and think about the big thing, i wanna do. That people around me, will remember me for. 

Its hard to look, at me as a person right now. Cause right now, most people dont know who i am. They look at me, and sees a scared young girl, trying to survive everything in this world. I could walk out the door, and be someone complete stranger, from who i am. But is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I do really wanna be someone else, from who i am today. I wanna have more power, and strength, and just let go of all the nervousness, and awkwardness i have built up inside me. But i guess, what happened in the pass, follows you to the future, no matter how hard you try to push it away. It will always, come back.

I can safely say, that when i was a kid. Maybe im still a kid, i guess to my family i am. But i grow up, and someday, ill do something, that is big. Hopefully i will get there, sometime. But when i was a kid, i wasnt a good kid. Maybe i was, sometimes, but there were times, where i guess my parents could have killed me, for what i did. I lied, i was drinking early, smoking when i was 10, and fulling around with the wrong people. I did have some few friends, that i still know today. And its good, but it isnt good, thinking aboutt all the awful things you did in the past. I know, leave the past behind you, try focus on the future. But if the past, still haunts you down, how can you only focus on the future then? Thats a question, ill never get answered.

The funny thing is, i dont wanna be stuck, in this world, as he overweigh girl. I wanna be thin, i wanna fit into a pair of jeans, i just look at and think 'i need to have them' i wanna be able, to walk around in the clothes, i find suitable. The shoes i want, the clothes i love. And i wanna explore, my look. But how can i do that, how is it possible, to do that, when you dont know where to start? Its not that i dont wanna do anything at all, being lazy is just a big thing. It happens, when something bad happens, and you cant really control it, you just need to think and say 'I CAN DO IT.' i did that. but for how long? im still doing it, you know. im trying to take control over what i couldnt before.

Before all this, begins to sounds like something crap, or bullshit, that doesent make any sense. Im gonna end it now. Im gonna control my life, im gonna hit in the table, and im gonna look into the mirror, and telling my self, that its now or never...