Never.lose.hope

Welcome to DortheasWorld.

There's a point, that i added that photo to this blog. People keep saying, that you shouldn't lose your hope. But whats the point? If you, already lost your hope, then why do they say, you never will lose it? Maybe i didnt lose hope. But theres one place, i lost hope. You can't keep, digging in your past, i know that already. But theres times, where i just hope, that i werent growing up. I wish i was a little kid again, and you wanna know why? Because, the man i looked up to, the hero of a little girls life, he's gone. He is gone for good, and theres no way to ever bring him back. I wish i could, make some kind off machine, that would bring back the people i lost, to heaven. I wish i could, build a stairway and get up there, and bring back the most important person in my life. I wish i could bring back my dad. I get it, i can't but everyday i wake up, i hope its just a bad and stupid nightmare. If i had just, been there the whole night, next to you - just been there for you, then maybe you werent gone now. But thats, something i believe! People say, it wouldnt have changed anything, you couldnt have done anything, and you should be glad, you didnt see, what happened. Im not okay with not knowing what they did. Did they help him? Or did they give up, when it all happened? I see small videos, of people getting a heartattack, and then the doctors, and what so ever, does everything in their power to bring a person back. I even saw an old man, die in a clip but yet, they were able to bring him back to life. And that is, when i wonder - why couldnt they bring back my dad? I know he had too much water inside of him. And i know, it was too late. But it bugs me, that some people get a second chance, and he didnt even had a chance. Trust me, my thoughts are screwed up. And everyday that passes by, is getting harder and harder to believe, that he is actually gone. I can't believe, that i no longer get to hear your voice, or get a hug from you. You were most loving man, ive ever met. And for real, my friends adored you, im sure of that. You were always to fresh, thats why its also hard to know, that in the end - you couldnt do anything at all. Not even moving yourself, or eat. It killed me in the end, that i had to watch you like that, i even skipped somedays, visiting you, because it was too hard. But, i sucked it up, maybe i knew that time, that it was over soon. Maybe you forget, what you actually promised me. See that hurted the most. Telling me, that everything was going to be alright, and that you always survived things like this. But you werent okay, and it wasnt going to be okay... This call came, my mom was home really early, she was crying on the message she left on my phone, i knew what it was, before she even told me. I fell down, on my knees crying my eyes out, when i met my mom halfway.. I never thought, it would come to the time where i would lose a parent. I miss you, every single day. And i cant stop thinking about, what happened. People say life goes on, where? Does it really - and how can people say that everything will get better? Have you tried? Have you tried, feeling this horrible about your self? Giving you the whole blame, on what happened. Nope, its just a stupid thing, a stupid thing you have to live with. I will never get to know, exactly what happened, and maybe thats for the best - notice i only said maybe, cause one day i will get to it, and thats when i wanna know, exactly what was going on. I know its not possible anymore, to hear everything. You were the only person that knew everthing. And everyday i pray to a sign from you. Its just, i can't let go - and i wont let go, im going crazy sometimes. I did horrible things, after your death, which im not proud of, and i know you would have been pissed off at me, if you knew. You probably, sat in heaven and yelled at me. I get it, it was stupid, and its never gonna happen again, i just wanted to feel a little alive.

I will always, miss you and think of you dad.

rest in piece, my sweet angel. <3

xxxxx